I've been house sitting for the last month. It's weird living in someone else's space. I brought all my things with me, well all the things I wanted for a month anyway, but there were still things I missed. My Playstation was the main thing, although I know that even if I had taken it with me I would never have played it. Instead I spent my time watching mind numbing programs on Cable TV. In the sticks we're content enough to have 4 Channels but when you move to the Big Smoke well u get millions. I'm a sucker for Takeshi's Castle it makes me both laugh and wince, while Extreme Makeover Home Edition just made me cry like a baby. I'm kinda weird, before I go to house sit I get nervous, it takes me about 3 weeks to settle in and then when I finally am settling down and thinking well this is ok, it's time to go home and I dread that too. I'll miss my own space, having a kitchen to cook in and generally a lot less stress.
I arrived home and it was like I had never been away. There are still strange kids who run up and down in the dark outside the front of our house and I hate it, bless them they are probably doing nothing wrong, but I worry senselessly and it makes me afraid in my own house, and thats not a feeling I like. It seems that rather than play in front of thier own houses they all congregate at the front or the side of ours and I'm just thinking why...go and play at your own house and leave us in peace. I'm a born worrier tho and I hate it, my friend says I always look for the worst in everything and he's right I do, I can see that myself but I am powerless to stop it. It's like the having no self esteem thing, I can't seem to stop that either. I so hate the worrying tho, I mean if I stop worrying for 5 minutes then I start to worry because I cannot remember what it was I was worrying about in the first place.
I'm 35 and I still live with my folks. Such is the world just now that unless you have a million quid stashed in your bank account you can't afford a house. My folks are getting older now too and it's getting harder to get away.....in some ways they rely on me now, and i don't know if I would have the heart to leave them to thier own devices. I am quite lucky tho, I have a couple of rooms of my own and come and go as I please and pitch in when it's needed. I don't go out all that much cos I'm a workaholic and I never drink anymore because I get hangovers from hell and it's just not worth it.
Why do I want to keep a diary? Well I have before, I even had a website a while back and a few people read my diary and my poems. Writing was like an escape for me, the things I could not talk over with my friends I wrote down. It always tended to be quite dark thoughts and things, and eventually people realised who I was and couldn't quite seem to understand that i was indeed the person who was writing the site as it was so different to how I was in person. Someone once commented that I should get over myself and why was I wiriting such sad stuff, they didn't understand that was the point of the site, I needed to let the stuff out not keep bottling it up. I ripped myself apart for quite a while about that comment wondering if what I was wrong, I stopped when someone else left me a comment saying how much reading my ramblings had helped them as they thought they were the only person in the world that thought like they did, and they were pleased to discover they were not. I don't make apologies for anything I write, if no one else reads it then i don't really care, it's for me really an outlet. If it helps someone else in the process then well and good, thats a bonus. When I am hard on myself and putting myself down it's not because I want someone to disagree or tell me how wonderful I am, it's because thats how I feel and writing it down is helping me in someway make sense of it all.
It remains to be seen whether i update this diary or not...I am notoriously bad. I like the look of this blooger and it's easy to update so I am hoping I keep it up, even if it is just with the mundane things that I do day to day.......lets see, at least I've made the first step and started it!!
No comments:
Post a Comment